The Long Way Home

Focus

This past summer, I put my Spectra camera in our living room trunk, forgetting completely about it. Sunday I discovered it while cleaning and was happy to find it with fives frames of expired instant film, expanding and contracting through August heat and December cold, now come to light through perfect imperfection. The last few months have been difficult – the holidays, very much so. It’s hard to keep focus when I get depressed, so I try to keep busy, and in the process, I become too busy – I overbook projects and commitments. My day job is really stressful; I’ve developed an ulcer, lost 10 pounds since November. It could be this, or it could be that I knew I had to face a long, dark winter without my mother. It’s been almost two years since she passed away, and I spent 2012 not talking much about her, to anyone. Acceptance arrives at ordinary moments. The other day after getting the mail, I locked the door and leaned my head against the glass thinking holy shit, she’s gone. My breath catches. I tear open the electric bill. The world keeps moving.

I feel as if the first year, I shared too much and so I became guarded. I trusted people I should not have trusted (this, I chalk up to the delirium of grief). Some friends seemingly vanished from my life; loss is much harder for me now. I want to say, hey, I’m no longer death-contagious, it’s safe to come back. I’m learning to live without those people. I concentrate on strengthening  existing friendships, and sharing more laughter (and love – always this) with Jeff. I’ve also grown more afraid – of taking risks, of having regrets if I don’t take those risks. It’s a daily challenge to strike that balance of responsibility and dreaming. So the point is: I drifted away from film, a self-imposed exile to give myself mental space, but I couldn’t stay away. Photography is one thing that will get me through this winter, the rest  of 2013 . It brings me happiness and gives me life.

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